“A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself — to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart.” — Leo F. Buscaglia.
Relationships are as complex and unique as individuals in others, so there was no exact science to relationships. We have different love languages and needs. We have different things that make us happy and comfort us. While we can admit to the uniqueness of love, certain things love is not. Love should not be painful, you will have disagreements, but there is a difference between a lover’s spat and a toxic situation.
Here are a few things that you should not ignore in a relationship:
Do not ignore yourself.
When we hear people talk about relationships, the topic of compromise always comes up. You have to give up things about yourself for love and vice versa. But while compromise is necessary for any healthy relationship, do not use it as a crutch and an excuse to neglect yourself. Do self-checks and ensure that you do not change from the person you want to be or someone you love because you are in love with someone else. You will find that one day you will resent your partner for it. There is a difference between compromising for a situation and compromising one’s self.
Do not ignore your voice.
Your voice matter, and like you have to be careful of what you compromise, you should not be afraid to speak up. Being respectful doesn’t mean that you should not speak up for yourself.
Do let the hurt slide.
We often get so caught up in love that we tend not to fully grieve or resolve a hurtful situation. There are times we go through so much that the last thing you want to do is face a conflict in your relationship for fear that it might fall apart. We must be careful of the codependency that makes us fear confronting conflicts and hurt because we do not want to escalate to a breakup.
If one row is going to break your relationship, it was not strong enough, to begin with, or it was not meant to be. Glossing over hurt leaves unresolved little flames. It is like the tip of incense. It is such a small flame. You can put it out with slightly damp fingertips before sleep. But light a few, and leave them next to something flammable it can burn a house down. Ignoring each thing that could be dealt with in a conversation can turn into heat and anger. It doesn’t take an actual flame to set everything ablaze. It can be the illusion of a situation, a memory, or just one little thing to cause a trigger. Before you know it, everything explodes, turning into something bigger than you expected.
Do not ignore the red flags.
This one is simple, but many of us are guilty of it. Maya Angelou said it best, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” Yes, we all make mistakes, and your partner will disappoint you at some point, so you need to understand and embrace the practice of forgiveness. But there is a difference between error and character traits. You must know the difference. For example, a person not understanding your point of view in an argument and you argue and still might not agree is one thing. A person who minimises your opinion and feelings once it doesn’t align with yours is someone selfish. They have the potential to be controlling because not only do they have to have their own way, your opinion and feelings do not matter.
We often see the sign, but we get caught in our emotions or fear of being single. Because let’s be honest, dating is not for the faint of heart. Still, you cannot ignore these signs because, in the long run, the person that will be hurt is you. After all, you invested in something you should have let go of.
What to do while you wait.
I know it is the 21st century, but it is still taboo to be over a certain age and single. However, one’s mental health is more important than a toxic relationship. Many of us have had our hearts broken. But many of us are still finding love. J. G Holland said, “There is no great achievement that is not the result of patient working and waiting.” Love is no different, and something great might be there for you. It will be worth it.
In the meantime, get to know and love yourself. After all, Joyce Meyer said, “Patience is not simply the ability to wait – it’s how we behave while we’re waiting.” So while you wait to grow, try to be the best version of yourself. Because the same way you do not want the above amongst other toxic traits to be inflicted upon you, you don’t want to be guilty of them either. XOXO
