Watch What You Say!

Watch what you say! One of the first reprimanding that we get from our parents. But as we become adults, we feel that we are given more free will, and we deserve to say what we think. But even as an adult we need to watch what we say, especially when one is grieving. 

Someone once said, “when someone you love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a treasure.” For the grieving, it takes time before it becomes a treasure. Because first, we fear. We fear we forget how much that person means to us so we replay them in our minds and while we replay it we feel the pain of loss all over again. And while they might be making irrational decisions and you can check them on it, truth is you should still watch what you say. 

“Bereavement can have a big impact on a person’s mental health. People who already suffer from a mental health condition can find that their condition worsens after the death of a loved one, and otherwise mentally well people may develop a mental health problem as a result,” https://www.iesohealth.com/en-gb/blog/bereavement-and-mental-health. 

As a result, we have to learn to have compassion and realise that people deal with their grief different. No two pains as are alike, and when we go through loss, our experiences are never the same. 

Being someone that has just suffered a loss here are a few tips that people should not say or do to people that are suffering from a loss:

1. This too shall pass: We know that it will pass. But instead of feeling comforting, it feels like you are brushing our feelings under the rug. It can come off more as insensitive and than anything else. 
2. We all suffer from loss or comparative loss: Now, as humans, we will all suffer through loss, but empathy does not mean that you compare notes on who felt pain more. It does not mean that you tell people that they need to use your tools unless solicited. A mild suggestion is also ok, but when it turns from guidance to instruction, then it becomes a problem. Saying, “meditation helped me to sleep when I lost my son,” is a lot different from saying, “You should meditate because that is the only thing that helped me through the loss of my son.” Think about it, which sounds more helpful and comforting. Sometimes it is not what you say; it is the way you said it. 
3. They are going back to meet a loved one they lost: Never say this. Death does not work like that for everyone. Everyone does not believe that upon death, they will be met by a loved one. Some people think that they will be met by Christ. Respect people’s faith, and either way, no one wants to hear that. You do not care if that is true when you are going through loss. You just know the pain, your feeling. 
4. Do not impose: There is a thin line between being a great friend and being an imposing one. It is ok to check-in, and it is vital that you do but do not force the person to talk about the loss. Have a girls night and ask them to go out but if they want space for one night, it is ok to allow that too. But telling them how they need to recover and how fast they may need to get over their pain. If you do not know what to say, it is better not to say anything. If you do not know what to do, give them a hug and watch a home movie. But do not force them through the process. You are pushing them to make you feel better, not them. The grief might be making you uncomfortable. With all due respect, it is not their responsibility to comfort you and to make you feel great. So if you do not feel great, maybe you should take space momentarily to take care of your mental health. Your mental health is important, too; it is just not their responsibility. 
5. Do not add to Their Drama: When someone goes through grief, it is natural that they might be fatigued and a bit more irritable. Therefore do not add to their problems. Unnecessary arguments and conversations are not important. If they say not today, listen. Because sometimes hurt people hurt people and if they are cornered they might bite. Not because they want to but because they feel like they have to, to get space and have clarity. 

But all in all, still show them love the best way you know how. “Spread love. Hug the people you care about and make sure they know that you care and appreciate them. Make it known to your friends and family that you love them.”

― Germany Kent

XOXO!